No philosophic discussion, just straight on. I am ANGRY! Anger is the utmost emotion in my life, it’s dominant, extreme, fast, furious, hot unpredictable and devastating.
The first time I wrote this text was three (3) years ago. After rewriting it many times it’s time to publish it.
Thoughts are there, coming, going and I don’t have to let them stay. Emotions come and go and I can live with joy, fear, sadness, disgust, they to come and go. So with anger but it’s devastating, it’s consuming me, my balance, self esteem and my relations.
Everything can trigger my anger.
Most of all things.
All these things that are not in use, all books not read, memory objects, photos and everything else I was struggling to get rid of when I lived alone. Now it came back in mass quantities with me being bidey-in. I can live with that as long as every thing finds it’s place on a shelf or a locker but when they are piling up I can’t cope with it. I just give up.
When things are not to find; gone, missing, displaced I go nuts. If my daughters clothing are not where they should be in the morning when we are one our way to daycare I can be furious. That dosen’t hurt anybody else than my daughter who hears my ”saatanan, saatanan, saatna!”
People make me angry.
Endless inconsequential discussions make me so frustrated I freak out. I don’t mind discussion but it must be reasonable statements. No discussion for the sake of discussion.
Something like that takes place if I’m imposed to take a stand, have an opinion when having no interest at all. It may be a family thing, doing this or that or a decision have to be taken at once.
Telemarketers, then I blow the roof.
What’ the problem with anger? First of all it’s so fast at times, it goes from attention to direct action. No chance to breath, no chance to let it pass, no way of self inquiry? Just remorse, sadness and resignation.
Living alone I had nothing that trigged my anger. At work I left my anger where it came from. On the pub or elsewhere I could walk away. My own foolishness I had to accept even if it sometimes turned out to be self-destructive. This tendency of self destruction was a long term wake up bell; dong, dong, dong, dong – and I decided to be a yogi.
Now standing here as a houseman, a family man, a bidey-in. Father to a daughter 5 years and my bidey-ins son of 15 years. There are many occasions to breath, to let pass, self inquiry and to se what anger leads to.
To my surprise my daughter of 5 pushes me most. She can make me furious. For me it’s obvious, she is not adjusting her will to compromise with me. She i raw and straighforward. No adapting, she want’s, does or not. Nothing in between, just this.
I have two grown up daughters and I remember being angry, what they remember I don’t dare to ask. I might not be able to see that mirror? This time I became frightend, not of hitting or hurting my child; I was afraid of the heat, the ferocity of this old mans anger. The emotions so strong so I often had to go to anther rom or another floor.
Don’t come with any pinpoints, Freudian remarks och Jungian analysis. To be frank, they are constructions and suppositions so I don’t give a shit. I know enough to se that this is me, this is my problem, my emotions, my thoughts and it is this-I who was playing the scene.
I stopped all this year ago or so. Decided it was time to do something and if it did not work a was prepared to walk away and give my family the peace they need.
Firs of all I left my daughter alone. I don’t interrupt and I adept to her doings, not mine. I look after my daughter, keep her out of danger, watch so she doesn’t brake, cut or destroy anything we need. She turns the whole place into a mess but I don’t care. I can always pick up everything later on.
Sometimes when she don’t get it her way. If I am cooking and she want’s me to play se freaks out, screams, yells and throws thing’s much like an angry father. What do I do? Nothing! I just look at her for a long time, I feel the heat and I say ” I don’t want to play with you, I am prepering dinner, we must have food to eat”.
I did the same with my bidey-ins son. After to many conflicts, to many times my anger aroused I stopped educating, teaching, learning, instructing or anything else. I don’t ask him to do anything except sometimes to play with his sister so I can prepare the food. If he want’s to learn, he will ask; I guess?
Things piling up? I make the best to keep my things in order, the rest I just move when I clean the floors. I move things around and when the piles get to high I load everything in cardboard boxes.
I only have the power, the authority to throw away the things I own. The rest it’s up to their owners.
The hard thing to do for me is ignoring. If I don’t give objects; things, actions, words, emotions and thoughts any attention they don’t exist.
Physical objects are easy to ignore. Just leave it as it is, move it if it’s in your way or go around. Words can’t always be ignored, speaking is a way to relate to other humans.
Emotions and thoughts that objects and words causes is the key to everything and I must ask who is feeling these emotions and harboring these thoughts.
This practice makes me an observer and leads to silence and those closest to me says I don’t care. Have I got it all wrong?